335,131¥ (Chapter 20 of 38)

Going to church is usually a predictable experience, but not always. The thing about the American immigrants is that although they might come from the same side of the border, they might not be from the same side of the war. Not that the service was all negative. Some of the Americans may not be friendly with one another, but a certain someone is unexpectedly friendly with Gil.   

Transcript

My second attempt at quitting EverythingStore didn’t go well either. 

“Did you give quitting more thought?” EmoJoe asked me when my shift was over. 

“I did,” I said, “and I officially submit my resignation today.” 

“We accept your resignation, but please remember that you have two weeks to pay back your accumulated wages for the last quarter.” 

“What?” 

“You have two weeks to pay back your accumulated wages for the last quarter.”

“Last quarter of what?”

“EverythingStore’s earnings quarter.” 

“Why would I have to pay that back?” 

“It’s in your EverythingStore Workers Agreement. Refer to Section 83, 18B. Do you have it near?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t have it here right now.” I actually threw it in the garbage, but I wasn’t about to tell ol’ EmoJoe that. 

“You should keep your WWA in your locker for quick reference. Section 83, 18B states, ‘As an EverythingStore associate, I agree that if I quit before my contract expires, then I shall forfeit the portion of my salary equal to my salary accumulated in the last earnings quarter, and will submit it within two weeks of my date of resignation.’”

I sighed. “Okay then. If I have to pay it, I guess I have to pay it.” 

“It isn’t too late to change your mind. So you are for certain that you’re quitting?” 

“I am officially quitting.” 

“We are sorry to see you go, Gilbert. Don’t forget, however, that within the next two weeks you can change your mind at any time.”

“Two weeks?”

“Yes, your two-week notice will start today.” 

“Notice? No, sorry, I’m leaving today. This is my last day.”

“Section 133.2, B in the EverythingStore Workers Agreement states, ‘Any employee submitting a resignation notice shall give a notice of ten business days, or risk a monetary penalty of their daily pay multiplied by the number of days they did not inform of their resignation up to ten days.”

“Okay,” I said, trying not to show how unfair I thought it was. I know it was just a computer, but I was told it could read facial expressions. 

“Excellent. It might also help to remind you that the WWA is a binding contract under the Canadian Business Corporations Act.” 

“Okay. Well then, I guess I’m putting in my resignation today, like I said, and I’ll be gone in two weeks. I’m curious though. What if I took sick, or there was some family emergency or something?”

“Took sick? I’m sorry, I don’t know what this means.” 

“If I got ill.”  

“The contract is binding under the Canadian Business Corporations Act.”

I had a feeling it was those same Canadian Corporations who made up those laws, but God knows I didn’t say that out loud. I might never get a job again. So I just said goodbye to EmoJoe. Then I spent the rest of the day saying hello to EverythingStore customers. One of them was Mrs. Henries. I still felt bad about what happened at the graveyard. I didn’t know if I should say hello, because she didn’t look happy. But it was my job after all. 

“Good morning,” I said to her. 

“Hello, Gil.” 

“I hope everything was okay with your flowers,” I said. “I still feel bad about that.” 

“They were lovely,” she said. “Can you direct me towards the urns?” 

“I sure can,” I said and realized my tone was probably a bit too chipper, considering what she just asked. “It’s in the Departed Department. Go to the end of the store, through the sliding doors, past Seasonal, and on the other side of that. Then make a right, and you’ll be almost there. It’s the sliding doors that’s just down the hallway from that last right.”

“Are there pet urns there? Specifically for cats?” 

“There are all kinds my dear,” I said and tut-tutted sadly. “Lost a pet? My poor ol’ Dan is probably not going to be around much longer. On his last legs I think. I can’t think about it.”

“His legs seemed pretty good the last time I saw him,” she said. I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic, so I just smiled.  

“Two of my cats were killed yesterday and I think I’m going to get them cremated.” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said. “What happened?”

“Coyotes I guess. Maybe wolves? I don’t know much about wildlife. I think there was more than one because there were a lot of tracks in my vegetable garden. Ate my vegetables too. My carrots, turnips, and even spuds. Since when do coyotes eat spuds?”

“Those things will eat anything my dear.”

“Can you tell me where the Departed Department is again?” she said. “My memory is not the greatest lately. I take medication for it, but I keep forgetting where I put the bottle.” 

“Why don’t I take you there?” I said and led her down the aisle. I wasn’t supposed to leave my post, but I figured I would take a chance. I was leaving in two weeks anyway.

It was a ten-minute walk, so we were both a little winded by the time we got there. Even I took a wrong turn at one point. I generally avoided the Departed Department, and I realized why when I got there. 

“Oh, are you okay?” she asked. “You look pale.”

“I haven’t been here since I was here with Amy. Got my heart racing I think. Not good memories.” 

“Well let's leave again then,” she said, leading me out of the department. 

“Feeling any better?” she said, when we got back out in the main aisle, fanning my face with her purse. Instead of trying to beat me with it, like the last time I was around her. 

“Yes,” I said. “I suppose I didn’t realize how bad all that was. I plowed through it at the time, but I think…I don’t know…”

“I do know. You forced yourself through it at the time, but the trauma of it didn’t hit you until later. Trauma is a weird thing.”

I didn’t quite understand her, but I nodded and smiled. Truth be told, I thought she was a beautiful woman, and I just liked being around her without her being mad at me about the dog sticking his nose in her crotch for once. Not that I was lying about the anxiety. 

“You getting one urn or two?” I said because I didn’t really know what else to say. 

She frowned. “Two. There were two cats.” 

“Oh, yeah, well I didn’t know…I thought maybe, you know, you might be putting both of them in one. Like a salad almost…”

“A salad?”

“No, that’s not the right word,” I said, and I could feel my face getting warm. “I mean they would be mixed together. I mean, they would be together forever. If they got along. Maybe they fought like cats and dogs for all I know. Like cats and cats I mean. You knows what I means.” 

“Um…not sure I do. Anyhow, it will be two urns. I hope there’s some nice ones there.”

“The printer is the best option. There’s hundreds of designs on there. That’s what I did for Amy. It’s printed with a biodegradable resin, and you can have any dimensions. Pay close attention to the dimensions though. I screwed that part up and I couldn’t afford to print another one. So, well, the mortician kind of had to squeeze her in a bit.”

“Squeeze her in? You mean, Amy, as in your wife, Amy?”

“The length was a foot too long and the width was a foot too short. So they kind of had to put her in sideways.” 

“Good Lord, Gil!”  

“It turned out alright. We had a closed casket funeral anyway.”

“I see…well, I’m going to go have a look at those urns.”

“Okay. I didn’t mean that about the salad. I just can’t find the right words sometimes. But the salad bowls are in aisle 54 if you’re wondering. Not that you would want it for this. I’m just saying-“ 

“Please don’t say salad again,” she said. 

“Okay,” I said and walked away so fast it was almost a sprint. 

I got a text on my phone from EmoJoe asking me why I wasn’t at my post, and why I was talking about salad bowls to a grieving old lady, so then I kind of did actually come close to sprinting. I didn’t want to burn any bridges before I quit.

I felt like I had made such a fool of myself talking to Mrs. Henries that I tried to avoid her when she approached the exit again, but she made a point to speak to me anyway. 

“There were a lot of beautiful designs in the printing app. Thank you.” 

“I’m sorry about your cats. I hope you give them a good departure.” 

“I will,” she said with watery eyes. “I miss them already…those damn coyotes. Do you know any way to keep them away? I’ve never hunted anything in my life, but I think I would actually enjoy shooting them if they came on my property again. Not that I have a gun. Not that anyone have guns except criminals.”

“They might eat rat poison. I don’t know.” 

“I don’t think I have it in me to poison an animal, even if they deserve it. You’ve never had any issues with them?”

“Can’t say I have. Maybe Dan scares them off.”

“Only if the coyotes are female,” she said, grinning.  

I laughed out loud at that. She said goodbye, and headed out the door with her urns. But not before I checked her receipt of course. It was my job, and EmoJoe was watching. 

I figured that was the last conversation I would ever have with Mrs. Henries, but that Sunday at church she sat next to me. She had never sat next to me before so I didn’t know what to make of it. There was also another American family in the pew next to us that I had never seen before. It was a heartwarming thing to see. The church was slowly filling up. Perhaps someday it would be as full of young families as it was when I was a little boy. Even if they were all magas.

“How did your departure day go?” I asked Mrs. Henries in a low voice. I was taught never to talk loud in church unless I was at the altar for some reason. 

  “As good as can be expected,” she said. “I don’t want to tread on their memories, but I think I’m going to have to look for two more kittens soon. I’m just so used to having pets around. Especially now that Randy is gone.” 

“Do your kids be around much?” 

“No. They’re all on the mainland. They come home for holidays, and now Sarah wants me to come up and live with her, but I just can’t do it.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because she drives me up the wall. I’d rather live at Shady Pines than with any of my three kids to be honest.”

“I only got one, but I knows what you’re talking about. I don’t think I’d be able to live with Melvin for any length of time now either.” 

Reverend Tom proudly walked out to the altar. “Before we start our service today, there are a few announcements as always. The church bake sale that was normally scheduled for Saturday will now have to be postponed for the following Saturday. Also, my condolences to Mrs. Henries on the passing of her two cats, Toonses and Bicky Bum.” There was a muffled chuckle and Mrs. Henries turned red in the face.  

“And speaking of that, there are rumours of a pack of wild dogs in the area. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I would advise folks to keep an eye out if you’re walking by yourself, maybe carry some bear spray and a whistle…a knife, axe… Not that I’m trying to alarm anyone. There have been two other pets killed in the area now, and although it was thought to be coyotes at first, three dogs were spotted on a surveillance camera attacking someone’s dachshund. Fortunately, the dachshund held his own and is expected to make a full recovery. Also, there’s a red umbrella someone left in the porch last Sunday.”

The Reverend gave a beautiful service as always, and considering half his congregation now were Americans, and there was a new family in the pews, I guess it made sense that he at least said a few words about refugees. He welcomed the new family and said to the rest of us who were not American, “…as it says in Deuteronomy, ‘And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.’ None of us here are from Egypt of course, but it isn’t hard to imagine what it must feel like to be in a new place, with perhaps very little close family around. New language…well maybe not a new language. Most people in North America speak English. New traditions…well, most of our traditions and holidays are similar to the Repub —United States.”

“It’s okay, you can call it Republic,” said the man in the new family sitting next to me. “It’s not united anymore. After those loons tore it apart.”

“We tore it apart?” a woman in the back row yelled back. “You had all the guns!”

The man’s face turned a violent red under his dark hair, and he turned around. “Speaking of guns, you got used to them pretty damn quick, didn’t you?”

“How else were we going to protect ourselves, douchebag?”

“Excuse me,” the Reverend said into his microphone. “Excuse me! Folks. Good Lord, this is not the time or the place.”

“That’s right Reverend,” Frank said in the row behind me. “If these magas wants to be coming to our church, then they needs to keep their mouths shut!” 

“What? No, no, Frank,” the Reverend said. “That’s not what I meant. We welcome mag– Americans, in the Church, and we will not be having these kinds of arguments here in front of this symbol of love behind me.”

“The organ?” Frank said. 

“No Frank, the cross!” the Reverend said, turning around and jabbing his finger toward the giant wooden cross on the wall. “The cross! What our Lord and Savior died on. I don’t want us having these kinds of nasty political arguments here in front of the cross, a symbol of love.”

“Oh, I thought it was a symbol of pain,” Frank said, “but you’re the minister.”

“It’s that too. It’s a symbol of the passion of the Christ, and what he went through for his love of mankind. This is the reason we shouldn’t be arguing in here of all places.”   

“That’s right, Reverend. These magas can keep their BS outside the doors or stay home.”

“Is that true?” the maga next to me asked.  

“No, my friend,” the Reverend said. “Frank, just, just be quiet for a minute. Look, all of you and your beautiful families are welcome here in this house of worship. I’m just saying to please leave your anger at home. I understand that you’ve been through a lot, but that’s all behind you now. This is a new beginning. Please be civil. I understand you have differences, but this is not the place to hash them out.”

“Amen, Reverend!” Frank said. “Put up or shut up —am I right?”

The Reverend sighed, and put up his hand to Frank, as if to say, for the love of God man, stop talking. “No more outbursts from anyone. Please.” 

He tried to conduct the service as best as he could after that, but there was too much tension in the air.  

“Well that was awkward,” Mrs. Henries said out in the parking lot. “I haven’t seen an outburst in church like that since that time the Reverend announced the Christmas dinner would be vegan.”

“It was almost scary,” I said. 

“Almost?” she said. “I nearly peed in my slacks.” 

“Other than that what did you think of the service?” I asked.

“I don’t know if there is anything other than that. That outburst ruined everything. Everyone was singing louder, trying to push away the bad vibes, but it didn’t work.”  

“Other than today I think most of his services are really good though.” 

“You think so? Sometimes I wonder if the ministry was Reverend Tom’s true calling. I have no doubt that he was meant to be on a stage, but maybe not one with a cross hanging over it.” 

“A fishing stage?” 

“No, Gil, a stage stage. Acting. Or in front of a camera or something. Podcast. YouTube. Some kind of show business that doesn’t involve Jesus.”

“You think so? I don’t see it.” 

Our cars were in opposite parts of the church parking lot, but she still had not left my side. 

“You heading home now?” she said, half turning towards her car.

“That was the plan,” I said.

“I think I’m going to go grab a coffee. You like coffee?” 

“More of a tea man myself,” I said.  

“Oh,” she said “…okay,” and headed to her car.

About halfway home I came to the conclusion that Mrs. Henries might have been waiting for me to ask if she wanted company at the coffee shop. 

“You’re as dumb as a bag of rocks,” I said out loud. 

“I’m only as intelligent as I’m programmed, Gil,” the car said. 

“Not you,” I said. “Me. A nice lady just asked me out for a coffee and I didn’t get it.” 

“The closest coffee shop, Tao Hunan’s, is 3.2 kilometers, Gil.” 

“Oh shut up. You’re making it worse.” 

“I’m sorry, Gil. I was trying to be helpful. Gil.”

I drove for another minute.

“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. I couldn’t even be rude to my car.  

“No worries, Gil.”  

“How close did you say it was?” 

“3.2 kilometers, Gil.” 

“Turn around when you can, and go to that coffee shop.” 

When I got there Mrs. Henries’ car was in the parking lot. I couldn’t help wondering if she actually liked me, or if she was just being friendly. Women like Mrs. Henries weren’t interested in simple folks like me. I figured if she was in there, for sure she asked another lady who had been at church. But when I thought about it, every woman in there that day had her husband with her. 

And there she was, sitting by herself next to the window. She looked sad there, staring down at her muffin. The car parked itself and I sat there wondering if I should go in. 

“Should I go in?” I asked. 

“Are you directing this question to me, Gil?” the car asked.

“I am. There’s a lady in that restaurant who I really like, and I want to go in and sit with her because she hinted to it earlier, but I turned her down because I’m an idiot.”

“Why did you turn her down, Gil?” 

“I didn’t realize what she was asking.” 

“Well, go in. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you, Gil.” 

“How do you know?” 

“You said she hinted to it earlier, Gil.”

“I think she did, but I’m not one hundred percent sure.” 

“Well what percentage would you say, Gil?” 

“Eighty?” 

“That’s still overwhelmingly good odds, Gil.”

“I just don’t know how to break the ice.” 

Neither of us said anything for a moment, and then the car said, “I’ve got an idea, Gil. Why don’t you play a joke, Gil?”

“Okay. What’s the joke?”

“You buy her a coffee, Gil, then walk up to her and say, ‘I bought you this coffee. Do you want it?’ Most likely she’ll say yes, and then you put it down for her, but when she drinks it, it’s actually not coffee at all, but just warm milk. Get it, Gil?”

“Is that a joke or a prank?” 

“A prank and a joke are very similar, Gil.” 

“Okay. Well, I appreciate the help, but I think I’ll just go in and chat with her.” 

“Okay, but I’m here if you need more ideas, Gil —Oh, wait…wait….wait…what if you peed in the cup? She would drink it thinking it’s coffee, but it’s actually your urine. Get it, Gil?” 

I just shook my head and got out of the car. “Why did I buy domestic?” I said to myself as I walked across the parking lot.

“I told you so,” Lig said from my pocket. 

“I know, Lig, you don’t have to keep telling me.”  

When I went in she didn’t notice me because she was deep in thought. Considering I was going to be a young man again probably, I figured I would try something new, and ordered a coffee. I only had a coffee once before in my life and I thought it tasted like watery dirt. But that had been about fifty years ago, so I was sure coffee had improved since then. 

“What would you like in your coffee?” the bored young lady behind the counter asked me. 

“I don’t know. This is my first coffee in fifty years.”

“Wow,” she said, but it sounded like she was the opposite of wowed. “Well, a lot of people drink it black.” 

“Okay,” I said. “Black it is.” 

I stood there for a moment gathering up my nerve, and then walked over to Mrs. Henries’ table.

“Changed my coffee and figured I’d head over for a mind,” I said. I shook my head. “You know what I mean.” 

“Oh!” she said, looking up at me, “I didn’t even notice you were there. I always come here for coffee after church.” 

“Mind?” I said, pointing at the other end of her table.

“No,” she said, getting up, “go ahead. I’m leaving now anyway. Let me wipe the crumbs off the table for you.”

“You don’t have to get up,” I said. “Sit and have a coffee with me sure. This is the first one I’ve had in fifty years. Figured I’d try something new.” 

“Really? You really are an old-school Newfoundlander aren’t you? They don’t make them like you anymore.” 

I didn’t know if that was a compliment or an insult.

“I got my coffee drank,” she said. “If I have another one I won't get a wink tonight.”

“You won't get a wink? I might be up for a week after this.” 

She laughed and sat back down. “Maybe I will watch you drink it. Just for fun. Is it really your first coffee?” 

“In fifty years,” I said. “Or more. The first time I tried a coffee was…I can’t remember. I just knows it was a long time ago.”

“Go ahead then,” she said, nodding her head towards my cup, and grinning.

I put it up to my lips and took a sip. Then I remembered. 

It was the night I sang at the Lion’s Club. I came home crying and way more drunk than I had been at Frank’s house party. I wanted to sober up because I was starting to feel sick. I remembered in movies and TV back then that if anyone was drunk and they wanted to sober up they splashed their face with cold water and drank a pot of coffee. So I boiled the kettle and poured up a big cup of hot water. I got the Nescafe Instant Coffee out of the cupboard (that’s all you could get in the stores around home back then), and put in about four heaping tablespoons. I thought it was like that instant hot chocolate that came in the packets. I didn’t even know if I was supposed to put in milk and sugar with it so I took the first sip, black. 

As I poured it down the sink I was brushing my teeth at the same time to get the taste out of my mouth. I may have been drunk but I wasn’t that drunk. 

What I was drinking now was not as bad, but still bad. 

“That’s not fit to drink,” I said. “How can you drink anything that bitter?” 

She laughed at the expression on my face. “Is there any cream and sugar in it?”

“No.” 

She went and got a few packets of sugar and some cream, and mixed it in my coffee with a wooden stir stick. 

“Now try it.” 

I took a sip like it might be poison, but to my shock, it was actually not half bad.

“That looks like a different expression,” she said. “And by the way, you can get better coffee than Tao Hunan’s.  

I nodded and took another sip. I could get used to this. How many more things had I missed out on in my life?